THE DECEMBER CURSE.

December has been a rough month her at Diamond Cab Company. Last December, four of our drivers passed away just in one month! Two heart attacks, one stroke and one driver decided to drop dead on the way to the airport, I think his passenger was wearing a bad perfume or something.

This month I heard one of our drivers is in a grave condition already! When I got back after being absent from work for a few month I was told that one of my mentors Mr Jumpin' Jack Jeffery died of a heart attack couple of month ago while waiting for his coffee at Starbucks. I think Jack was one of the last Jewish cabbies in Washington. The story is after he applied for a job at the Library of Congress during the early sixties,(Phil, correct me if I am wrong, didn't he graduate from Cornell?) he started driving a cab to cover his bills while waiting for the library's phone call that never happened. Every time I saw him I always asked if the library called yet, and he tells me to go fuck myself! Jumpin' Jack dead after over 40 years at Diamond Cab.

Only couple of these guys are older, the rest of the drivers were too young to die. Cab driving is a silent killer, you sit on your ass non stop for hours and eating junk food in between, that is a recipe for an early check out. Any cab driver reading this blog better think twice about your well being, stop playing those lotto numbers and join a gym instead. It's never too late to start working out, that includes you Phil, those couple Goodyear tires don't look on your waistline.

By the way I have Rush "To Eat" Limbaugh in my 2009 death pool but that fat motherfucker is still breathing heavy on the microphone! What's up with that? I still have 28 days left to win though.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

MICROPHONE CHECK, ONE TWO, ONE TWO...

Is this thing working?


Sorry guys, I have been busy bribing the the Taxicab commissioner!!!

I hope you didn't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

CABBIE, I NEED TO SHAVE MY PUBS

Julie is a hooker we have known for a number of years and I saw her last night crossing Independence avenue in Capitol Hill. She was professionally dressed and was carrying a bag. The way she carried herself suggests that she may not be in to the escort business anymore.

Julie is a real baby face, hot body about 5' 7" blond, blue eyes and amazing white teeth. The first time I met her about five years ago, I was shocked to see her hustling. I thought she was fourteen or something and I was afraid that I might get busted for transporting a minor. That night she wanted to be driven to a house in Woodley Park to take care of one of her clients who called her on short notice.

"Do you mind if we make a quick stop at the Marriott so I can shave my pubs?"

That's exactly what she asked me minutes before we got to the house. She was explaining to me that her man was in to completely shaven pussy and doesn't tolerate a single hair. So we made a quick detour at the Wardman Park Marriott and she ran inside to use the lobby bathroom. While waiting for her I kept asking myself on how a once a proud member of the United States Marine ended up as a cabbie, waiting for hooker, while she shaved her pussy clean in a hotel bathroom?

She came back fresh and smelling real good for her man of the night. I dropped her off around the corner after making arrangement to pick her up later that night. I ended up being her driver for the next three years.

By the way what's up with the guys in to bald pussies? Ladies if your man is in to that shit you better hide the little girls away from him! That's all I can say. I like my ladies bushy and natural, I want to go camping in that joint motherfucker!

Finally I want to say that I hope Julie is not hooking anymore, I know it is a business hard to get away from because it's addictive like cab driving. Don't go too far, just look at me! I thought I was done cab driving? Not a chance, my ass is back hacking but I don't want to see Julie back working the streets anymore.

Later,

Pastor Joe.

I CAME BACK FOR THIS?

My fellow DC cab drivers, make sure you lube your asses real good every time you come to work because we are getting fucked by the current fare rates. I started to second guess myself on why I returned to cab driving on my first night back last night.

I made the stupid move to pull over for a girl holding a light bag standing at the corner of Wisconsin and Garrison around 4am. Normally, I avoid a potential airport job, I look the other way and drive off whenever I see people drag their suitcases and waive their hands. I am a hood hustler fuck the airport work, every now and then I get paid with a bag of weed but that's okay, that's how I roll motherfucker. I was on my way back to the city after dropping off a group of drunk people in Bethesda when I pulled over for a tall skinny girl. By the way she stiffed me on the tip because I don't support gay marriage like she does, I am not like those idiots who just agree with your bullshit just to be polite, fuck you!

To make this sorry ass story short, the metered fare ended up being $39. 50. What the fuck is going on? $39.50 to drive your ass all the way to Dulles Airport and listen to your bullshit on top of that? This same trip would cost her close to $60 when she catches back those Virginia airport cabs when she returns back to town. This will be the last Dulles Airport trip that I will be running, I am going to drop the old classic Pastor move that I use to avoid these slave jobs!

The head clown Uncle Tom, oops I am sorry I meant to say Mayor Fenty! He is going to be a one fucking hit wonder, he is not going to carry ward 7 & 8 like last time during the next election. I can't believe Uncle Tom Jr, ooops again! I meant to say Mad Cabbie, volunteered for this idiot's campaign last time. This motherfucker is completely destroying the working class in the District of Columbia as Ronald Reagan demolished the American middle class! He is setting up the individual DC cabbie to fail so he can hand it to big corporations on a silver platter.

The fares are slashed at least 15%-25% and on top of that the city has started issuing new licenses to thousands of new drivers. Washington DC has the highest number of cabs per capita in the nation already with out the new drivers! Pretty soon drivers will be drawing guns at each other for the right to pick up a fare. What does this tell you about Fenty's administration? What is the message? I think it is loud and clear! It's time to stack up those KY Jellies fellow cabbies, God help you are going to need it big time. The CVS on DuPont Circle has them on sale! This week only while supplies last!

Next time I just stick to my hood jobs, motherfuckers are not going to bother me to take them to the airports from the slums. Maybe to the Greyhound Station on their way to an exotic vacation at the Kings Dominion, and that's fine with me.

Later!

Pastor Joe.

HEEEEEEEEEES BAAAAAAACK!!!

I have known all along that this cracker would come back. The master hacker His Excellency Pastor Joe will be back in the cockpit of his cab some time this week. I can not tell you how excited I am, this motherfucker taught me everything I know. I do believe he is the best hacker in this city and Washingtonians are lucky to have him back on the streets.

I think Pastor Joe is the only cabbie who hangs out around DC jail to pick up his regular clients, even Mad Cabbie has his limits.

Welcome back Pastor!

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

MAD THE MENTOR

I was parked and chilling outside the Channel Inn in south west eating an apple until I was interrupted by this kid who was riding his bike. He sneaked up next to me and scared the shit out of me.

ME: What the fuck is wrong with you, you little fuck! Don't you ever sneak up on me like that!
CJ: Sorry Mad, I haven't seen you in a long time, I thought you quit driving a cab!
ME: No CJ I had to be with my dad for a while, he passed away a couple of month ago.
CJ: He got killed or something?
ME: NO! You dumb fuck! My dad died of cancer, you little piece of shit!

I really don't blame CJ for thinking that my dad may have been killed by someone. In his world every dead person he knows was shot and killed by gun violence.

CJ is a short 5 feet nothing 18 year old who dropped out of school three years ago. A classic ghetto tale, father doing time, mother on food stamps living in a section 8 development off Delaware avenue and all that good stuff. Quite a few times I tried to get him in to some programme so he could take his GED test but I never succeeded. CJ is a small time hustler with a "Scarface" dream, so education is not on top of his priority list.

ME: So what are you up to these days CJ? What are you doing up two in the morning?
CJ: You know the drill, trying to get paid! You know what I'm saying?
ME: You better get your shit straight CJ!
CJ: it's rough out here Mad, Niggers popped Skippy few months ago you know!
ME: Skippy? Is he that fat kid who walks funny?
CJ: Yes that's him! They smoked his ass in Baltimore.
ME: I am surprised he lived this long! What is he 22 or 23?
CJ: Some shit like that! Listen Mad, can you help on that GDE thing?
ME: First, It's GED you ass wipe! Second, I am done with you! Do your own shit!
CJ: I promise, I won't fuck up this time Mad!
ME: CJ, just go to a fucken library, they will give you all the information you need.
CJ: It's like that uh?
ME: I had it with you CJ, now leave me alone and let me eat this stupid apple.

Cj got irritated and took off with his bicycle but he came right back to deliver a piece of his mind.

"You're full of shit Mad! I don't need a fucken GED! You have a college degree, but look at you, you're a fucken sorry ass cab driver! PUNK!!!"

CJ disappeared in to the darkness and I didn't have any response to the torpedo he just fired my way, he wouldn't understand anyways.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

RUSH "TO EAT" LIMBAUGH

Look at the new face of the Republican Party! A sexually confused fat man if you notice carefully the way he is sucking on that stupid cigar, He likes it big too!

I thought I was the only one who found the Wanda Sykes "I hope his kidney fails!" line very funny. Everyone is like "she went too far with that cheap shot!" Cheap shot my ass! I laughed my ass off! My friend Lizzie articulated the reasons very well why Rush "To Eat" Limbaugh don't deserve an ounce of sympathy for the beating he took that night. In fact Lizzie concluded her post by saying:

"I'm vehemently against torture. But I would happily waterboard Rush any day."


I hope he wakes up with a hemorrhoid a size of a basketball! How you like that one?

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.